May 9, 2013

Losers Lament

Apologies to June Dally-Watkins

I have an issue to nip in the bud. I know it's only early days since the announcement of the winners. I know I should bite my tongue, take it like a June Dally-Watkins Deportment School graduate - and be a graceful loser. But .... it's time. Time to purge. Time to cry out, and ask the moon: "Why moon? Why didn't I score a place in that well known Sydney Writers Centre blog competition?"

A simple dream

After my dog had kindly nominated me (via her personal gmail account) and I was sent that nominee "badge" to pin on my blog, I started to dream a little. Even to the point of selecting the outfit I'd be wearing when (as a competition contender) Channel 7 would call asking me to do an "at home" segment on Today Tonight - just like Reservoir Dad (pre-competition).

I even thought about having the carpets steam cleaned, after seeing how sparkling fabulous Reservoir Daddy’s abode looked on the telly. And then he wins? And now - both Reservoir and the blogosphere are his oyster.

But I so-o-o wanted a piece of that juicy oyster! And that's not all Reservoir daddy gets! He now has a book deal, an agent and management team to run his blogging conglomerate. Soon there'll be suspicious product placement on the blog, and the insidious cash for compliments. Before long, he'll be heading for the highs, lows and highs of domestic crafts firebrand Martha Stewart.

Actually - Martha's website is rather wonderful. I first went there looking for innovative ways to exterminate mice, and what I found was better - a great Mother's Day cocktail - the Pimm's No. 1 Cup. I digress ..... but here's the link. Yummy mummies, you will love it.

The A list

Getting back to the competition, the writing for me was literally on the wall, when the finalists were announced. From the 1,100 or more that entered, I could see my little under-blog was doomed as a non-event. Of the 340 entries in the personal/parenting category, the chosen five were either mummy bloggers or (the aforementioned) standalone, daddy blogger.

They were all deserving winners, who wrote unique and vivid blog posts. But once I saw the list, I wondered how on earth could I - one singleton, desperate, dateless, childless, under-dog, unemployed bloggess! (of a certain age)E-V-E-R compete with that cup-cake baking, toddler taming bunch?!!

Tara and the chocolate hoard

It was blogger finalist, Tara Moss that finally drove me to breaking point. That is, breaking into the bulk purchased Aldi chocolate, kept in a special secret cupboard in the garage, and stored for times like these. For how could I compete with Tara? She was/is everywhere! There's her website, the brilliant best selling crime novels, the television appearances. And of course, the portrait of Tara entered in the 2013 Archibald Prize, and its subsequent Packing Room Prize win!

When I pop across to the local Westfield, there she is again - gracing the walls of the Jacqui E boutique; modelling the Jacqui E clothes. As I sort through the racks for something job-interview-friendly and within budget, I feel her eyes follow me around the store. She watches me as I quickly exit, and decamp to Big W.

Other winners

In 1955, my mother won first prize in artificial flower making at the Royal Melbourne Show. In 1941, my Aunt Shirley won Dux of the School at Sandringham High. I was hopeful of following the tradition, as Great Aunt Carmen - winner of a blog competition.

The lament

Ok. So it's just another case of "tough t*tties" for me. I will survive. The dog still licks my face. Chocolate will always be available. Competitions are what they are (whatever that is). And, as Bette Davis said to Paul Henreid in Now Voyager: "Don't ask for the moon - when we have the stars."


 Photo, top of post, source: flickr


  1. Hahah... I can't even remember how I found your blog (it was only an hour ago I'm sure)... Oh that's right, you left a funny comment on a mamamia article and I was a nosey parker and followed you here. Hilarious! Loving it!

  2. G'day. I was Googling myself and I found you!

    Thanks for linking me in. I was pretty happy to the blog award of course.

    I'm guessing you live in South Australia? Because that's the only state the Today Tonight played in. All the other states and territories were too up themselves.

    I wouldn't think me being on the telly had much to do with the judges choosing me over others, especially considering all the other finalists and many others who didn't even make the finals, have been on TV, radio, written books, met the Prime Minister, vlogged themselves nude, jumped out of airplanes, castrated sheep, lived in Adelaide etc.

    I put the win down to three things mainly -1) a lot of luck, and 2) working my arse off for five years. More of 1 than 2 of course.

    The pieces didn't fall into place as you've mentioned here though. I signed up with Creative Jack Agency a month before winning the personal category. Had no idea the blog award was coming at that stage. And I've been promoting products and working with brands for over a year now. Trust me though - there'll be no suspicious placement of products. I will place products right in front of people's faces as I take the piss out of them - and of myself - as I've always done.

    As to my house looking clean. It looked fricken SWISH. I know. But as I've written a few times already, my house is constant mess and chaos. But when a TV crew is coming around, or my Mother In Law, or some nice flute-playing Mormons, or a congo line of poem-sprouting minstrels, I clean like a DEMON. An hour later it's back to a teeth grinding, filthified, hell-pit. Adelaide Today/Tonight will never know that though. And I like that because they're the best Today/Tonight in Australia* (*all opinions are my own)

    Anyway, just thought I'd say g'day. I've read around and I like your humor.

    Hope to talk soon

  3. oh, and the third reason was my dancing.