July 11, 2013

Rupert needs a wife. Could it be you? [By Sue Bell]


Rupert Murdoch, the billionaire media mogul, has quit marriage number three. This means the 11 billion dollar octogenarian is on the prowl for a bodalicious young lady to betroth and disrobe at the earliest convenience.

Midlifexpress has been commissioned to help Mr Murdoch with his quest. If you believe you are the ideal applicant, we are happy to pass your details to Rupert (or Gollum, as he is also fondly known).

Essential Requirements:
  • Must be at least two, or possibly three, generations younger than Rupert. This would make your current age between 28 and 32.
  • Must plan on being married for 15 years.
  • Must expect approximately 2.5 children from nuptial arrangement.
  • Must be prepared for a midlife divorce ( by the age of 40).

Will consider:

Redheads if they can return profits, have low moral standards and are willing to go to jail for phone tapping (or equivalent) scandals.

You will need:
  • Attentiveness to Rupert’s needs including ego stroking and constant Viagra supply — though Wendy Deng advises he doesn’t really need it.
  • Journalism/marketing degree — both wife number two and wife number three had qualifications.
  • Tolerance towards adult step-children.
  • The ability to live in a fast-paced environment where allegiances shift dramatically.
  • Ability to stop projectiles hitting Rupert during Parliamentary hearings.

  • Opportunity to live in a variety of locations.
  • Access to designer clothes, makeup, jewellery, and shoes.
  • Copious News Corp shares.
For a full position description please refer to 60 years of Murdoch family media coverage. Resumes can be sent courtesy of: Rupert needs a wife@midlifexpress.

All applicants must provide a cover letter which includes age, head and body shots, political affiliations and financial status.

Previous applicants and midlife women need not apply.

This piece was originally published on Midlifexpress  - where further works by Sue Bell are regularly featured - http://midlifexpress.com/ 

Photo source: flickr

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