September 26, 2013

7 Habits of Highly Effective Dogs: And A Way Forward For The Jobless


Ok people. So my jobless honeymoon period is OVER. And I finally long to be wearing a lanyard again, to be part of a team, working for the most psycho of micromanagers, and attending coma inducing MEETINGS! ....well, maybe on a part-time basis?

Oh to be kicking and swearing at recalcitrant  photocopiers; smooching up to the boss to score points, fighting over office chairs, staplers, car-spaces, the last teaspoon of sugar! And ...I even miss the banal office politics - enlivened by scheming, manipulative coworkers.

Into the mix, are the occasional unpredictably malicious, human resources manager/divas, and those annoyingly perky - oh so perfect, stick-insect thin, and quietly uber-competitive princesses. Cannot stand them.

The spilt milk

Then of course, there's the random and spine-chilling, workplace back-stabbing! Which - can errupt, like a perfect office sh*tstorm - just moments after you unknowingly drink the last of the milk! Milk that was never yours to begin with.

How dare you?! Didn't you know THAT MILK was Val's?

And, WE ALL pay for that coffee and sugar. It comes out of our salaries.

And that cup you've just picked up is Beryl's! We all have our own S-P-E-C-I-A-L cups here.

I so want that NOW!

I'll even bring MY OWN MILK, and milk for everyone. Will that be milk lite, soy lite, or LACTATE?! ...lite?

And toilet paper?

Which reminds me of the sinister goings on, in that last vestibule of workplace peace and sanity - being the staff washrooms - of a well-heeled suburban, Australian school.  

I vividly recall the accusations, the insinuations, and subtle hints of office treachery - delivered via a single, miniscule post-it note. No doubt, one of the "ladies" from adminisphere, had carefully stuck the petulant message, above a toilet paper holder in the womens loos. It simply announced, "Would the lady taking toilet paper rolls home, please STOP(!)"

Now, have I E-V-E-R considered snaffling one whole post-it note pack? - well yes!  BUT, toilet paper; that's covered in coworker germs, which I could take home and die from? 

Definite NO! 

So I hope that adminisphere person wasn't thinking of ME! when they wrote that pesky little note?

But I SO miss that kind of office camaraderie. It's got tragedy, comedy, and footy tipping inbetween! (Actually, could never quite get into that. Maybe that's why I've ended up jobless?) Regardless, from all such excitement, you get paid as well! And in between, some people actually work.

What the fruitcake? Am I - at this point - not just terminally unemployed, but also completely insane?

A few of my favorite things

Well yes maybe?! And, despite toilet paper conspiracy theories, I long for the whiff of a stationery cupboard, the sight of abundant, packs of post-it notes, boxes filled tightly with pencils, intoxicating felt tip pens, sticky address labels in assorted sizes, and unopened bottles of Tippex! (White-Out for you fresh-faced millenials).

Yes! Yes! Yes! (Except for the footy tipping), I so want what paid employees are having!

But hold it right there, because now I admit, that I now have my own self-funded stationery stash. The envy of the block.

Meantime, I just long for the paychecks. As does my dog. 

But then the dog barks

And, even though me and poodle features are having awesome quality time, I can tell Coco wants more out of life than just sitting at my fluffy-slippered feet, waiting for me to DO SOMETHING - that get's me out of my pyjamas at the crack of dawn - and, which REGULARLY delivers to her: pocket money, assorted sausages, snacks, treats, and a more professional, less embarrassing hair-cut.

In fact, during these dog days - in her special quiet way - young Coco has, by example, been teaching me new tricks.  And if, as a jobless tragic, I demonstrate these same attributes during job interviews (and a potential subsequent job) - who knows where I will end up?  

Some might suggest the local dog shelter/R-S-P-C-A ...!

However, it's the following canine habits, that have stopped me from becoming a total full-blown, feral, unemployment nightmare. And also, a remaindered librarian, just 2 minutes from BREAKING BAD, and swiftly succumbing to turning my roomy garage into a lucrative amphetamine lab (WTF!!!). Did I write that? :

1. Dogs always wake up on the right side of the bed.

2. And they eat well by sticking to a sensible menu.

3. They understand the value of routine.

4. And to remain top dog, will develop new skills, however ridiculous.

5. They're  prepared to look stupid for the sake of the team

6. And within the pack, they're happy to take a back seat

7. They know how to feign wonderment - even when bored sh*tless.


8. They respect boundaries.

9. Never miss an opportunity to network,

10. Keep active by earnestly trying new activities.

11. Naturally embrace diversity,

12. Tolerate regular grooming, to maintain appearances,

13. And they'll down tools to shamelessly take a restorative nanna nap.

14. They always take time to stop and smell the roses, and take in the here and now -

15. And constantly show loving kindness and compassion toward fellow beings, regardless of Facebook status, cell-phone plan, footwear choices, body mass index, or other social ranking.

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