January 23, 2014

Marriage "Relationship Vouchers" - Why Not? Plus 7 More For The Unemployed !

After the cake's been eaten, and the gifts audited - (un)happy Australian couples (still not content with their massive haul of whitewear, white goods and whatevs), will soon have $200 "relationship vouchers" to put things right ....in the event of an imminent relationship outage.

In August last year, Kevin Andrews' office said the counselling cash-back scheme would be, non-discriminatory and open to couples of all sexualities. 

In the words of Kath and Kim, "It's noice, it's unusual, ...it's diff'rent."

The program is a one-year pilot and is capped at 100,000 vouchers, meaning it costs $20 million to the budget bottom line.

But getting back to Kath and Kim. 

Will the scheme work like the First Home Buyers Grant?  In other words, will the betrothed still get a voucher if it's their second, third, or fourth marriage? Say ...in the case of  Kath Day-Night and Kel's nuptuals - would they get a voucher?  In other words, do repeat-betrothers get to double-dip?

I didn't know that in 2012, Kevin Andrews wrote: Maybe I Do. Modern Marriage and the Pursuit of Happiness. (Selling for $34.95 on Amazon).

Meantime, speaking of pursuing happiness, inclusiveness (and restoring oxytocin levels), I'm hoping that Kevin Andrews has some wedding bonbonniere left over for singletons - particularly unemployable ones.

As one of the above, I'm so distressed that uber-married, relationships Rennaissance man - Kevin -  is SO already taken!

However, regardless of marriage comp├ętence, I don't think Kevin realises how stressful and demoralizing, merely attending a wedding can be - for many a desperate and dateless singleton - particularly an unemployed one at that. 

Unlike our pollies, we can't claim from the Australian taxpayer - those annoying, associated travel and attendance costs. And then there's the gift. What do you give the couple who already has E-V-E-R-Y-THING!

So wouldn't it be lovely if - after the doom and gloom of yesterday's welfare reform announcements - Kevin and co. threw we miserable unemployees, something leftover from the wedding feast, so to speak (and I don't mean cake!) ....to get us all job-ready (which was after-all the actual big issue? of the day).

With this in mind, here's a voucher scheme, that I'd like to see rolled out - for the dateless and jobless singletons among us:

1. Botox vouchers. I thought I'd never say it ....but as a mature-age foxy lady, I'm tired of missing out because I'm perceived as a has-been Golden Girl, at job interviews. Hate injections ....but I'd be willing to de-wrinkle for the sake of the welfare budget, the country, and the Australian taxpayer. WTF! Unbelievable!

2. Counselling vouchers for jobseeker burnout.  And one won't be enough. We need MULTIPLE vouchers to deal with compulsory regular appointments with patronising and predictably underwhelming JSP staff.

3.  Colour, cut and blow-dry vouchers, to achieve job-ready, salon quality hair (to knock 'em dead) at job interviews.


4. A bonus counselling vouchers scheme! ...like airline frequent flyer schemes. Only here, frequent unemployees are rewarded bonus vouchers for showing loyality (of the kind only seen in dogs) by submitting to repeat compulsory "intensive" jobskills training - conducted (ad nauseum) by JSPs. "Frequent" counselling options are of course, a non-negotiable for innocent unemployees (going forward), to reinforce the personal boundaries that are key to navigating clueless (but relatively well paid) JSP staff. 

5. Professional microdermabrasion vouchers! As a lady of a certain age, wall to wall TVSN watching has convinced me that this age eraser technique is the way to go .... even if it all goes pear-shaped and I end up on a what-can-go-wrong episode of "Embarrassing Bodies". 


6. Gym vouchers, to shift mummy-tummy, from too much daytime couch surfing.


7. Teeth whitening vouchers. Not only could telegenic smiles fast track our employability, we might even get hot dates!



  1. Carmen, why stop there when there is more for the government to offer?

    I recommend compulsory vouchers for gastric banding, gastric bypass, or even partial stomach removal, with a breach of mutual obligation activity if not taken up.

    Newstart recipients whose weight is above the BMI, and have been receiving benefits for two months- gastric banding vouches.

    At six months recipients should receive compulsory gastric bypass and;

    at twelve months partial removal of the stomach.

    I think that's fair and after all the Coalition doesn't want appear too harsh and lets get real, surely fat is more than a feminist issue, it's an impediment to finding work.

    Lypo-suction vouchers- not quite as invasive as the above, but the government can kill two birds with one stone. If a Newstart recipient happens to find themselves pregnant, then suck the baby out too. No more shifting from Newstart onto parenting payment for you. That'll! stop the rorters

    Yes!, gastric banding comes with risks like infection, and possible death can ensue, but it's a win win for the government. If you die then no more welfare payments of any kind at all.

    Austerity measures are important when there is a budget emergency, and I want to do my bit for Australia. Hope Kevs Listening.

    Think of the loot they could save.

  2. Your list gets an A+. Regarding the gastric banding, they could send everyone to Joe Hockey's surgeon. Meantime, I'm getting very scared following today's news announced regarding the new "work for the dole" program for all Newstart recipients. What an original and inspiring idea! Not.

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