August 1, 2014

Trending Now: Eric Abetz And The 40 Thieves ...Oops, I Mean Job Applications

So this week, perceiving we troublesome unemployees must have too much time on our hands,  Government MP Eric Abetz, has advised the Australian jobless that submitting forty job applications a month should be water off a duck's bottom to speak.

And here's the thing, I'm glad about that. Because frankly, I don't think I can take any more couch surfing, watching TVSN and that Hollywood cosmetician, Dimitri James, informing us of yet another thing that drops (along with our chances of re-employment), once we mature women reach that "uncertain age". Yep, did you know ladies that our noses drop. (Ooops, excuse me while I pick mine up off the floor ...there it goes again, under the sofa. How damn annoying). It's a scoop! Of course Dimi has just the right  elixir (at only $100 per bottle) to make those droopy noses as perky as last season's boob jobs.

Moving forward - as for the job applications, Eric has left no stone unturned with the issue. For he's even provided us with a doable plan for producing the said applications. And he simply advises:

"Two job applications a day -
one in the morning, one in the afternoon."

Wow. And MP Abetz gets paid how much for this solution? Can somebody fact check that please? Too easy. However, is he confusing the task, with the morning and afternoon valium doses we'll be needing to take, after we rush off to our GP (health co-payments permitting) to cry that it's all too much already!

Admittedly, I do in fact have my monthly quota ready to go. I have hundreds and hundreds of carefully composed cover letters, key selection criteria responses, and cold call templates. They're all sitting dormant "in the cloud drive" - ready to upcycle. I just have to insert the job vacancy titles du jour ... and perhaps alter the fonts. Is trebuchet still the way to go? ... maybe it's time to bring back comic sans in a big way?  Having said that, it's no surprise to read that "small businesses now fear the unfair burden of being inundated with job applications from people who do not want jobs." 

Who said we didn't want jobs?  Methinks thou small businesses dost protest too much! 

From that outcry, isn't it lovely to know how sympathetically the Australian working world views the unemployed job-seeker. Of course, we can thank Joe Hockey's lifter-leaner rhetoric, for creating that subtle employment barrier - which sits nicely alongside the dole bludger label - that persistently circulates through parliament, the media, business and the broader community. 

And so it goes, that even when we do have transferable skills (matched by perky noses!) - such stereotyping has apparently led many recruiters, and employers to placing "long-term" unemployed candidates in the same category as those with a criminal record. Terrific. Well done you Joe.

So even when we do earnestly send off our forty (or even 20 applications), it's more than likely that our efforts will be extinguished in a second by a cynical employer's delete button.


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  1. You can put away the higher doses of Valium for now. According to this website:

    Those aged over 50 will be required to undertake 15 hours per week of approved activities to receive Newstart Allowance. Those under 50 will be required to look for 40 jobs per month, as well as undertaking up to 25 hours per week of community service work.

    Assuming that 50 or over is the Bingo age for you ;)