September 22, 2015

Lessons Learned From the Trashie Bachie

Ok. So it's now time to bring closure to the whole bachie fiasco.
Look admittedly, honestly (on medical advice of course) I did get into my reality TV viewing position, and found myself once again glued (though somewhat sporadically) to that final last gripping episode between, wiping up dog's vomit, practising my new zither, and removing a heating duct to see if there was in fact a roof-rat, just dying to get out (as I kept hearing something shuffling from behind the couch.)
So I shove out the metal duct, shine a torch on the area, and expect to see a relieved rat. But no, there's no rat in sight! Typical. Now do you think I could get that metal duct back in the wall? No.
So out to the garage I go (missing more bachie and his babe, canoodling loss there), and get hammer to shove the pesky little duct thingy back into its rightful place ...almost knocking out a chunk of wall in doing so. Thank goodness the damage I caused from suspicions of a non-existent rat, remains hidden behind the couch.
Meantime, Bachie is smooching left, right and centre with the girl  (Snezana) that ultimately got his goose so to speak.
But back to Bachie, and lessons learned ... 
And perhaps FYI, these lessons (regarding nailing a bachie) can be applied not just to "finding LOOOOVE", (and a potential love rat ...pardon mon pun!!!) - but also perhaps? a jobseeker - the same lessons can be applied to catching the glint of a potential employer's eye, and landing subsequent job? For lets face it chicksters (particularly we of a certain age), if we can't get ourselves adopted by a flashie bachie, at least with a job we could hire or outsource one. It is the 21st century after all. So read on for these trashie bachie take home messages ....
1. Master eyeliner technique.
Yes I hear you say, how superficial!! And what the fuschia has that got to do with anything? But any astute observer of the said recent Bachie storm in a double-D cup, would have noticed - the key role that competently applied double-strength eyeliner plays - in grabbing the attention of said Bachie, job interviewer, bloke at the local fish and chip shop ...whoever and whatever.
So people (fellow jobseekers, love-seekers, date challenged spinsterettes), I recommend we get a grip, on our eyeliner application  capabilities. Yes dear reader, stop waving around (or aspiring for) those banal degrees (and double degrees everyone boasts about these days) ...along with sundry Adobe and Photoshop course certificates ...And get an online Eyeliner Degree!
A heads-up on nailing this skill is easily accessed by watching those nifty YouTube tutorials to study how the "pros" do eyeliner with panache. Too easy! 
Having said the above, despite such a YouTube resource, and assorted (mixed-ability) eyeliner pencils in my bathroom drawer, when I apply it I end up looking like this ...
So yes dear reader, I fully disclose that I need remedial lessons in applying eyeliner. Now why has no Job Network rep advised me on this essential skill...? 
2. Try the Smokey Eye Look
Yes - even though makeup gurus (like that Perdis guy) tell us that the smokey eye look (as favoured by Heather et al) is so NOW! and WOW! We of a certain age know, that it's been around for ages. Just go check out re-runs of the Addams Family show and The Munsters, from circa 1964 ....where even the Addams kiddies, and Herman Munster (in particular) had the smokey eye down pat. But some of us are late adopters. Or couldn't give a f*ck about adopting it anyway. Yet, my Bachie viewing has taught me that the smokey eye can get you places that the Kransky Sister eye can't.
Coincidentally, I should mention - a couple of days ago, when not looking where I was going - despite wearing prescription Atticus Finch specs (as favoured by Sarah) - I ended up by default, with the smokey eye look aound my right eye, without even trying. How so?
Well the day had started out like any other typical day. I packed bag of assorted necessities, grabbed car keys, donned my Atticus Finch specs, headed into the garage, opened car door ...must have been momentarily distracted, causing car door corner, to collide with my right eye, and naturally the right side of my Atticus Finch specs. Ouch ...!
My Atticus Finch specs remain in-tact. But oh the pain around my right eye! So I go back in to the house, have a good talk to myself, making mental note to ...SLOW DOWN and thus prevent knocking myself out twice in the same morning. 
And guess what? Two days later - but only on the said right eye - I now have the perfect smokey eye look! (it so suits me) ...without even picking up an eye-shadow brush. Now know that achieving the quintessential smokey eye is all about applying those same deep purple hues that you get from the typical bruise. So every cloud has a silver lining. But could I ever get that exact same perfectly matching smokey eye look (outcome), in my left eye (that is, without crashing into something??) ....I don't think so. That said,  If someone knows of an affordable eyeliner (brand) that even an idiot could apply ...please message me.

3. Aim to look hungover

Too easy! Yes, apparently now, according to Kathleen Lee-Joe,
in, looking hungover (as favoured by bachie at the breakfast bar episode) is apparently a "beauty trend". And yes you heard it second here!

So it's good news, boozehounds! in looking worse for wear after a sloshed night on the tiles, since looking "hungover" is apparently the latest beauty look du jour on the runways - right this minute, at New York Fashion Week!

A makeup look originating in Asia, the Japanese call it 'byojaku' face. Perhaps translatable in English as - 'back-off-b*tch' face, which involves playing up puffy eyes and flushed, just-in-from-the-cold cheeks.

Kathleen Lee-Joe, says makeup artists at New York Fashion Week, emulated the look of ashen complexions, serious twin-set, under-eye bags, puffy and parched skin, flushed cheeks and bleary, red-rimmed eyes. Thus making it look as though the models had just partaken in a solid cry session with their girlfriends.

And I add, the same said authentic crying sessions that can erupt during a perfect hormone (or workplace) sh*t-storm, following or even during a visit to your local Jobactive agency, in the middle of answering yet another list of key selection criteria, after failing to get yet another job, and so forth.  Will leave the "so forth" for another blog-post on another day. But yes, some of us don't need to emulate the "I've just had a good cry look". It comes naturally. Too often.

But if crying doesn't come easy to you for whatever reason ...(Perhaps you've been so botoxed that you look annoyingly happy all of the time) and you're keen to master the authentic sad-sack look, YouTube tutorials are already, as I write this, available to show you exactly how to get that - washed-out, mid-nervous breakdown, manky skin appearance (like you've got the plague or the flu on top of everything else), by applying extra shadow around the eyes etc, in five easy minutes!

More proof the world has gone mad.

It's advised that we can complete this 'look' with wet-look slightly dishelleved hair, wearing sunglasses indoors and indulging in a greasy fry-up and chips (or whatever your favourite hungover brunch, or hormone induced eating binge may be). I think I'm liking this do-able trend already. In fact, like Herman Munster I do believe I have this latest trend down pat.
4. Master the skinny, pleather jean ...but word of warning
When not wearing the required after-5-wear, the bachie saga, highlighted that donning a pair of skinny leggings, jeggings, pleather jeans (whatever anyone might call them) is indeed compulsory if one is to lasso a bloke. And the skinnier apparently the better. However, this MUST-have fashion trend designed to make women's legs look great, can have its down-side.

According to recent reports, the above "fashion look", left an Adelaide woman unable to walk, in a medical emergency, caused by fashionista prescribed skin-tight jeans. reports that the woman was left paralysed in an Adelaide park at night for several hours - in a case, now documented in the Journal of Neurology Neurosurgery & Psychiatry under the heading “Fashion Victim”.

The 35-year-old woman’s “skinny jeans” were blamed for her collapse, after she eventually managed to drag herself to a road and flag down a taxi, which rushed her to the Royal Adelaide Hospital — where the vice-like denim had to be cut off her swollen calves.

Now called "skinny jean syndrome" the Adelaide woman had become seriously ill after wearing a pair of painfully tight jeans that cut off the blood supply to her legs. reported, that "the woman collapsed, lost all feeling in her legs and was trapped for hours lying on the ground. When she was finally taken to Royal Adelaide Hospital, doctors had to cut her jeans from her dangerously swollen legs.

"She’s suffered muscle and nerve damage and spent four days attached to a drip while her kidneys recovered.

"Neurologist Thomas Kimber said a combination of the tight clothing and the woman squatting down had caused a condition called “compartment syndrome”.

"It is a problem more often associated with bandages and casts that have been applied too tightly.
Now fashion lovers are being warned not to fall victim to the dangers lurking in their wardrobes. So it's back to trackie dackies for me.

And ...

TV Today ...The Bachelor

Groundhog Day with the Trashie Bachelor

What the trashie but flashy bachie got up to last night ...?!

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